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Somewhere [Jul. 12th, 2010|01:11 am]
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[music |Within Temptation - Somewhere | Powered by Last.fm]

Okay I have to gush about this. I'm just... really freaking proud of it. I could not go to bed until it was finished. This is a song norodenn had sent me as part of the fanmix and I have been listening to it slowly the last few days. Finally, the writer in me wanted to use it in some fashion to write about Neviril. I had to find a way to use it. At first, I thought of using a fic to create a storyline based on the lyrics and then I thought of making it a song fic. I hadn't done one yet for Simoun. Then I realized that a song fic along would not convey what I wanted to so I instead decided to do a series of drabbles, all linked by the song lyrics. I'm really proud of the progress I've made with doing song fics in general as a writer since I started. I mean my first one, from 2002, really truly was badly done. And today, in 2010, I can produce stuff like this. What you are about to read is the result of my work this evening.

Title:  Somewhere
Author:  DigiExpert
Rating: PG
Summary: A compilation of Neviril's thoughts and emotions toward Amuria and what happened to her progressing from the beginning to post-series.
Author Notes:  The song is not mine, but is done by Within Temptation and is called Somewhere, the title also given to the fic. I highly recommend you listen to this song on repeat while you read the piece because it just makes it all the more powerful. You can find it here. I was listening to it the entire time I wrote this. XD

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart

She clutched at her arms, gripping tightly. Nothing could calm the intensity of the pain coursing through her veins. It felt as though her very soul had been ripped from her body, and then shoved back inside haphazardly. She could not numb the pain or fathom how to, but she knew that the Emerald had not gone as planned. Something was wrong, very wrong, and Tempus Spatium’s wrath was being forced upon her.

Alone in the sky. She was so very alone. She wanted Amuria, desired Amuria, but the only screams she heard were her own. Nothing was returned from her shouted cries. No familiar voice called back to her. It was all a dream, a very horrible dream. She could hear the explosions in the distance, hear the gunfire from either side, but it might as well have been miles away for all she knew.

“Amuria! Amuria! Answer me…please… Amuria!” It sounded nothing like her. It was pure panic. Panic and desperation. It was as though nothing reached the sagitta cockpit, was never relayed. It only made it worse to picture the girl she had kissed moments before, to hear in her mind how sure she was that completing the Emerald would let them be free, would take them to a plane far beyond the realm in which they dwelled.

Sobs wracked Neviril’s body. The knowledge of what she should be doing as a Sibylla with an injured or dead pair was in her head, but her heart shouted over it, creating a loud white noise inside her head. Her fingers shook as they reached for controls, her brain fighting to gain back control, but fighting a losing battle. Matters of the heart could always win over the body.

If she were to be shot down in that instance, it would make no difference to her. It would end the pain, and end the torture she was enduring. Deep inside, she knew something was very wrong, and it wasn’t just the Emerald. She could not bring herself to pause and look; the Simoun was shaky as it was. Did it really matter though? If the Simoun were to fall from the sky, wouldn’t that be Tempus Spatium’s punishment? Not only had they attempted a forbidden Ri Majon, but they’d used the holy chariot to do so. They had sinned, and now they would pay for such disobedience.

Amuria… What has happened to you? Why don’t you speak to me? Why am I in so much pain? She became lost in her thoughts, ignoring the speaker cables that attached to the Simoun. She could hear the voices of her fellow chor members calling to her, but their calls went unanswered. She heard the sadness in their voice, and knew then that what she felt in her heart was true. She wished for it to not be, for time to reverse. It was only to be a routine patrol mission… just a routine patrol so her father could show off to the Council, and yet, it had become this hellish hole for her, and she suffered alone. The strength she leaned upon and drew from simply had disappeared. Her heart told her it was so.

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul

She found herself in the hangar, footsteps echoing against the polished floor. Moonlight lit the area, and she knew that she was alone. Another night, another nightmare, and she couldn’t sleep after seeing those memories played over and over again, twisted and untrue. They started different, but always ended the same way- Amuria always died. She would awaken in a cold sweat, only to break down sobbing. She could not go on like this, could not survive this torment. Now, as before, she wished she was dead. Perhaps if she were dead, it’d all end. It would leave her alone once and for all.

Her feet wandered, knowing where to take her, where she’d end up. Her eyes settled upon the wrecked craft. It had sat here ever since her Simoun had been guided back to the flight deck and then later transferred to the Arcus Prima. Parts of it lay upon the floor, twisted and broken. The pieces could no longer function, and she felt as though they were just like her. She would only do what was necessary and expected of her during the day, but her heart was not in it. She could not bring herself to enjoy her task as she once had. Her wings had been ripped from her and she could no longer fly or find any joy in the sky.

“Sibylla Aurea… please…you should not see this…” called a gentle voice. From the shadows emerged Wapourif, stifling a yawn.

Neviril made no motion to answer him. Instead, she moved closer to the holy craft, running her fingers lightly across the cool metal.

“Sibylla Aurea, let me take you away from here—“

“I see you’ve been dismantling the Simoun,” spoke Neviril softly. It was as though she hadn’t heard Wapourif’s offer.

“I… Yes, we’re working to repair it so that it may grace the skies again,” explained Wapourif. “It’s a slow process, but I promise you it’ll fly again.”

“And what of the sagitta cockpit?”

Hesitating, Wapourif took a deep breath. It wasn’t the message he wanted to relay to her, of all people. She had already suffered enough and he could not even explain the phenomena himself. It was like nothing he’d ever seen before. “Well… we…” He paused, and noticed that Neviril focused solely on him, waiting for his answer, the one he dreaded giving. “I’m sorry to say this, Sibylla Aurea, but we could find nothing, not a trace of her. It is as though… she has disappeared into thin air…”

He watched as she nodded to him, tears streaming down her face. He knew he could not say anything that would bring her any sense of comfort, and this pained him. “I am sorry… I will leave you now, unless you would like my assistance?” Neviril shook her head, as he figured she would. He turned, planning to retire to his quarters until dawn, which wasn’t that far off.

Neviril waited, until she was certain that he was out of earshot. Then she fell to her knees, sobbing. There had been nothing, not a scrap of clothing, not a hair. If there had been anything, Wapourif would have told her. She was certain he would never lie. She could not understand… why was there nothing?

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are

In her room, she was safe from the world, safe from seeing the others, and letting them see that had fallen far from who they expected her to be, the one they revered. She sat on her bed, staring out the window, looking into the clear blue sky. In the distance, she heard a group of Simoun take off, knowing it was Chor Rubor once more. Not Chor Tempest.

A knock at her door drew her from her daze. She looked to it, wondering who would be knocking. Surely they knew to leave her alone. The knocking persisted, and she sighed. “Come in.” She watched her guest enter.

“Sibylla Neviril, I must speak with you,” stated Guragief softly. “This is not easy for me to do, please understand.” He gave her a pained look. He could never understand the grief she was going through, or expect to, but he knew that his news would do nothing to ease it.

“What is it?” asked Neviril, noting the concern. She felt the ache in her stomach return.

“It seems as though the Council does not deem it appropriate to hold a funeral for Sibylla Amuria’s passing. They state that since there was no trace of her body in the Simoun, that Tempus Spatium has already claimed her.”

“How can they… how can they do that?” A quiet rage swept through her body, and she shook. Her pair had given her life on that mission. Surely the Council had noted her actions and her sacrifice.

Guragief rested a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “I tried to convince them otherwise, but they deemed it unnecessary. The High Priestess has agreed, stating that we should not mess with the will of Tempus Spatium.” He sighed. “I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but you must understand. I’m afraid nothing more can be done. They were firm in their decision.”

Neviril looked up at him, tears in her eyes. Guragief had never seen her so vulnerable, never like this. “This is not… surely it is not Tempus Spatium’s will…” She opened her mouth to continue speaking, but all that escaped was a sob. She fell against Guragief, her fingers grasping at his uniform.

He felt awkward being in this position, but he tried his best to bring her some comfort. His arms awkwardly hugged her, letting her cry out her grief. He vowed to keep this moment between the two of them, to keep Neviril’s pain from become more public than it already was. Her tears soaked the fabric, and he was reminded of a particular instance long ago. Like her, he too had felt the despair she was feeling.

Eventually her sobs quieted, leaving her sniffling. She looked up at him, her eyes rimmed red and a face to match. Guragief knew that she was not empty of her grief, but that she simply had no more tears in her at the moment. “Perhaps you should lie down and rest,” he suggested. “It might help—“

“Help? It won’t help! Nothing helps! Whether I’m awake or asleep, I can’t escape seeing her. I—“ Neviril realized what she was doing and flushed with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Dux. I did not mean to yell at you,” she whispered.

Guragief guided her toward her bed. “It’s fine, really, but I think you should lie down. If nothing else, you can regain some of your energy.” He turned to leave the room, but looked back. “No matter what the Council says, Neviril, listen to what your heart says about her. Tempus Spatium will show you the truth.”

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul

She had looked up at the High Priestess, eagerness in her eyes. To hear that Amuria might still be alive in some other era of time had set her heart beating fast. Up until that very point, she had believe Amuria to have been dead, to have been taken by Tempus Spatium, body and soul. She had believed what Guragief had told her. Listen to your heart… echoed over and over in her mind. Her heart was glad to hear this tiding of news.

That night, as she lay in her bed, she reflected on what she had heard, and what she had been told that day. It had changed her thinking on Amuria. She could be alive somewhere. Perhaps she had wanted to return to the time from which she came, but had never been able to make it back without a Simoun. Wherever she was, there might not be a Simoun to be found.

Neviril rolled over, facing the wall. An image of Amuria floated to the top of her memory. She played her favorite memories over and over again. Their first meeting. The day that Amuria gave her the hairclip, the token that symbolized the start of their romantic relationship. The first day that Amuria kissed her that was not for the purpose of prayer. She flushed as she recalled more intimate times. The reel ended with that fateful day, that final passionate kiss before beginning the Emerald Ri Majon.

Had they really been ready to perform such a holy Ri Majon? She wasn’t so sure anymore. She had no reasoning for it, but if Amuria lived on in another pocket of time, then perhaps she had been ready, but Neviril had not. Perhaps Tempus Spatium had not been punishing the pair, but simply allowing the one that was ready to transcend time and space to pass on, while leaving the one that was not ready behind.

Why had she not been ready? What had been wrong with her, that she was meant to stay behind, keeping the Simoun? And by keeping the Simoun with Neviril, had Amuria been punished for performing the forbidden Ri Majon sooner than she was supposed to? There were too many possibilities to consider, too many theories to create. Right and wrong bounced around in her head, but things couldn’t be so black and white. Nothing was ever black and white, for the lines always blurred at some point.

She did believe that Amuria must be out there somewhere. If Aaeru truly wanted to open that door to a new world, she would go with her. She did long to find Amuria, to find out what had really happened to the girl. It couldn’t just stop with her body disappearing from the Simoun as it had been twisted. It couldn’t just be Tempus Spatium calling her home. There was something more, some truth she did not know as she was in this plane of time and space. Perhaps she was meant to find the truth in some unknown era and world?

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go

The street was crowded and noisy. People bustled past, often pushing or shoving to get through the throng if someone moved much too slow. The two of them often were shoved, moving slower as they marveled at this location, at the technology, and the sheer amount of everything that seemed to be all in one location.

“Neviril… this is crazy… what are we looking for?” asked Aaeru.

“Some place where we might look up records or history. We need to figure out where we are.”

“As long as it gets us off the—“ she was cut off when a much taller man in a suit pushed her out of the way. “Hey watch it, jerk!” she yelled toward him. He did not turn around, and gave her no reply. “Sheesh, people here are so rude.” She caught up to Neviril, who was a few steps ahead of her in the crowd. She took Neviril’s hand, not wanting to be separated again.

The two of them came to the edge of the walk, and stood with other people. Vehicles they had never seen moved back and forth while people waited on either side. Neviril watched as a light changed to green, and then saw the others moving. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a familiar shade of lavender. Her head turned. It can’t be…

“Neviril? Neviril? Come on, Neviril,” called Aaeru, trying to get her to cross the busy street, as groups of people moved around them, muttering insults. Aaeru made faces at them as they passed.

Neviril wasn’t listening though. She was too focused on the person in the distance, the one that looked familiar. She took off, pulling Aaeru along with her across the street. She would not lose this chance, not now. She may never have it again.

“Where are you going, Neviril? Slow down!”

Closer and closer they came. She weaved in and out of the groups of people, always keeping her eyes on that lavender head. When they were close enough, she spoke. “Amuria! Amuria!” There was no reply, but this did not daunt her. Perhaps Amuria had not heard her. Perhaps it was much too noisy. Perhaps—

She tapped the person on the arm as she finally caught up. “Amuria?” she called. “It’s me—“ Before she could say her own name, the person turned. One glimpse at the woman’s face told her it wasn’t Amuria. Her heart sank. She was back to square one again. She watched as the woman glared and then walked away.

“Neviril?” called Aaeru softly.

“Yes, Aaeru?” Neviril didn’t feel much like looking for records anymore. She had lost her energy.

Aaeru squeezed her hand. “Come on, Neviril.” Aaeru was used to this sort of incident happening. On any of the worlds where the hair color varied, Neviril would often find an Amuria look alike. At first, she had been jealous of Neviril’s attention on these strangers, but she had come to realize that Neviril was searching for an answer she had never truly found.

Neviril let Aaeru lead her to a park. They sat together on a bench, no words between them. Neviril rested her head on Aaeru’s shoulder, eyes closed, as Aaeru played her music box. The simple tune calmed her as she whispered a soft prayer to Tempus Spatium.

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul

Another world and another chance. The location wasn’t familiar to her so perhaps she could find her answer here. She felt as though Tempus Spatium was allowing her to get closer to discovering the truth, but that she still had a ways to go.

“Ready?” asked Aaeru, helping her down from the Simoun and smiling.

“Yes. Let’s see what we can find out about this world, Aaeru.”

The two walked along the dirt path, holding hands. They listened to their surroundings, unsure of where the road would lead them. It seemed as though it might perhaps lead them to a village or town of some kind if they traveled far enough.

“Do you think you’ll find Amuria here?” asked Aaeru quietly.

“I’m not sure. I believe she’s out there somewhere, Aaeru. Someday we’ll find the real one, and not a look alike.” She smiled at the thought of accomplishing this task and looked to Aaeru, whose eyes were focused on the ground. She noticed the look on her face, a cross between sad and anger. Neviril knew that Aaeru thought she wouldn’t see it.

“Aaeru… you now that I need to the answer to this, right?” They had looked for Amuria many times, and Aaeru had never shown this reaction to it. Neviril had always believed her to be understanding of the matter.

“I do, Neviril. I know you want to know what happened to her. You just seem too focused on it sometimes. I think you forget about me then.”

Neviril stopped, and Aaeru soon stopped. The two faced each other. “Aaeru, I could never forget you.”

“I think you do when you speak of Amuria. I try to keep quiet, but Neviril… it hurts my heart.” Aaeru raised her right hand and touched that area over her chest, as though proving a point.

Neviril closed the gap between the two of them. She used her hand to tilt Aaeru’s chin up and looked down at her lovingly. “Aaeru, your support means more to me than I can express. You stand by my side every time I speak of her, or see someone who looks just like her. You help me relax when I’m upset each time I realize it’s not Amuria.” She paused, tilting her head. “All of that, everything you do, shows me your love for me. And I love you for it. Amuria… she was my first love, but you are my only love, the one I truly give my heart to.”

Aaeru looked toward the ground, face flushing from the sentiment. “I guess… it’s just hard to see that sometimes, Neviril.”

“I’m sorry, Aaeru. I never meant to make you feel that way.” She leaned over and kissed her, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. She broke it a few moments later. “It means everything to me that you’re helping me with this, and staying by my side. Thank you for having faith in me.”

Nodding, Aaeru replied, “I think I understand. I’m sorry, Neviril. I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“It’s all right. Someday I’ll find my answer, and it’ll be you that I confide to about it. The day that Tempus Spatium leads me to Amuria is the day my soul will rest at ease, for I’ll finally know what happened to her.”

Aaeru smiled. “Then let’s go see if maybe this world is the one we’re looking for.”

“Yes, let’s.”

[User Picture]From: silverzephyr13
2010-07-12 10:27 pm (UTC)
Oh my god this is amazing. You are right to be so proud of it. You know I always love your work, but this fic pulled me in and got me involved in it emotionally in a really beautiful way. Not that that hasn't happened with your writing before, just that this was among the top fics that did that for me. Listening to the song the whole time really helped with this, I think--the mood of the music was perfect for the background of it. I think it's easy for some people to not do songfics well, like, I don't know how to describe it but I guess some people just insert the lyrics to add meaning to the fic when it doesn't actually fit into the story...I mention that because that isn't what you did, the lyrics were woven into the story well since they really matched and were used to separate the different moments in time. It read as one cohesive story although you described it as several drabbles, maybe in part because of the lyrics bringing it together, although also because of the different sections themselves all flowing together.

As for the characterization and the story itself, I loved it all. Neviril was characterized very well, and your fics always have a way of making me empathize with her grief more. The journey from the first horrible moment of realization to the end where she's with Aaeru looking for Amuria was really enjoyable to read, and even though it was several moments in time that were all spaced out it really did capture her search for the truth very well. The last scene with Aaeru was sweet. Although Aaeru did grow to understand that Neviril loved her but still wanted to see Amuria again, she understandably still has moments of feeling pushed aside, and Neviril's reassuring her made for a touching scene.

Also...the whole scene with Guragief? Loveditloveditlovedit. I adore your portrayal of him--he cares a lot about the sibyllae and is very empathetic, so I thought the scene was perfect. I liked what seemed to be a reference to the scene in episode 6 where Anubituf compares Guragief to Neviril--although it's never clarified what exactly he went through, since he seems to have gone through something similar, it makes sense that he would be able to relate to her. Her breaking down in front of him was a touching moment too, since despite the way she acts around everyone she really is hurting inside. His vowing to keep the moment to himself was sweet, too, as was the awkward hug.

...Actually I just love every word of that scene so I'll stop now, but yes. Wonderfully done.
(Also, how did you know I had been vaguely considering some form of Guragief+Neviril comfort fic?! Get out of my mind! XD Thanks for writing something I'd been wanting to see without my even saying anything. XD Actually, reading your fic makes me want to write something like that even more, so if I can come up with some form of concept, I may. Speaking of which I did write part of that pendant drabble I said I would, though right now it's sitting on my computer unfinished. And I will cease this comment before it gets...even further off-topic :P).
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[User Picture]From: chibirachy
2010-07-12 11:37 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you think so. I was surprised to see such a long comment, but I should have expected such a thing from you! It was a great read. I'm glad the song set the mood as you read it; it was how I wrote it so I could pull the emotion from it into my drabbles. I do really well with song fics now. If you clicked that link to the first one, you'll see I do what many used to do. It didn't blend in at all.

Neviril is someone I love to write and deal with her grief. I like to show her weaker sides, her vulnerability. Aaeru was interesting to write. She mostly does understand, but sometimes she feels like everyone else, just a bit jealous.

The Guragief thing I figured you would like. It was amusing who I chose to focus on when I planned out the drabbles. I've written Wapourif a bit in another drabble, but never really Guragief. And you picked up on my throwback to that incident with Guragief too. I loved doing her break down; that bit was fun and then she suddenly stops and realizes who she's speaking with. She's human, just like everyone else, though she tries to hide her pain so well.

You really should stay out of my head. We do things like this way too often. I'm glad that you've started your drabble and I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the end. I just keep encouraging lots of people to write :D
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[User Picture]From: silverzephyr13
2010-07-13 12:06 am (UTC)
Lol, one of these days I'm going to reply to a fic of yours with a comment as long as the fic. :D And about 12% of the comment will actually have anything to DO with the fic. Look forward to it.

The song definitely worked at setting the mood..and since it's such a pretty song and I now associate it with this wonderful fic, I kinda fell in love with the song and bought it on itunes right after I finished my previous comment. XD Since you hadn't written any songfics for Simoun before I hadn't realized you wrote them, but this was lovely.

I do appreciate your writing about Neviril's vulnerability. It makes me feel for her much more. I do think she grieved much more inside than we ever got to see in the show, although we did get to see some of it, but these moments you've written make it all the more real.

And yes, I did adore every bit of the scene with Guragief. For someone who's never really written him before (I only remember you including him in AU stuff...some kindergarten drabbles a while back and a bit in that spoof fic) you characterized him really well. It was spot-on, I thought. I wouldn't have been able to write him that well and he's pretty much been one of my top two favorite characters for...one and a half years (which also means I really enjoyed seeing you write such a great scene with him :D). I think it's really impressive that you can characterize so many characters from one series so well. I mean, if you can make me really feel for characters like Neviril who I didn't dislike but also didn't pay as much attention to, and then you turn around and write a character who I already adore but who isn't your favorite and yet you still make me love him /even more/, that's really something. Oh the power of well-written fanfic.

And yes, it's like we have telepathy minus the actual communication! You really must let me know next time you're reading my mind! :P
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[User Picture]From: chibirachy
2010-07-13 12:15 am (UTC)
XD I would love to see the day that happens. I look forward to you doing that! I know you can already match my drabble length it seems.

Yeah the song did work well, but you have to thank norodenn for introducing me to it. She found it for Neviril and I only wrote using it. I do write song fics from time to time. The last time I did something like a songfic was a Rainbow Brite one. I didn't use the lyrics but I used the plot of the music video to write out my story and it was amazing. It was the first time I'd tried something like that.

See, I slowly add in the characters I don't often write. I have to write them slowly so I can get a feel for them. Eventually I may write more of a longer fic in the future. I'm getting more comfortable with Wapourif, for example through drabbles. I like doing Neviril's grief a lot. We needed to see a lot more of it, and we didn't get to. I think more people disliked her because they didn't get to see where she was and where she fell to and how she began to pull herself out of it. I'm glad you think I did well with Guragief. I was worried about him. I can get some of him it seems, but not all.

I think you should tell me when you read my mind. It's your own fault!

Oh and I'm in the chat if you want to join.
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